“It's trash! They're trashing us!”
[If you recognize that quote, you are officially an awesome person.]
If one were to glance around my idyllic neighborhood, one would see your stereotypical notion of American suburbia: Houses neatly lined up on both sides of the street, lawns ranging from a lush green to a yellow-brown mix cut at least somewhat neatly, a few flagpoles with flags displaying loyalty to a particular country, cause, or college football team.
But much like David Lynch’s “Blue Velvet,” under this pristine exterior (aside from the yellowish-brown lawns – hey, it’s been a dry summer, okay?) lies a shadowy cabal that keeps us all in line. We rarely hear from this powerful group, and when we do, it’s never a good sign. Rather, it’s a warning; a pointed message that they are watching us, that we have displeased them, and that we had best change our behavior to conform to their demands lest they are forced to retaliate, almost always when we are helpless in our beds.
As you have no doubt guessed, I am referring to the garbage men.
They come early enough in the morning that I never see them, and by the time it’s time for me or May to take Gracie off to the bus, they have already done their magic of making the trash disappear, much like a more blue collar version of the tooth fairy, except that they never leave any money behind.
However, not too long ago, May was leaving at the same time that they were actually picking up our trash, and they actually deigned to speak to her.
[The following is a dramatic re-enactment.]
MAY: Oh hello, skilled men of the trash! Is it not but a lovely–
GARBAGE MAN: Quiet your yap! You know that you have been violating code 113.4.56 section B3 of the municipal waste collection code?
MAY: Many apologies my good man, but I fear I knowest not of what thou are speaking!
GARBAGE MAN: You are constantly screwing up putting your bins out! What are you, some kind of medieval peasant who thinks you can just dump waste anywhere because there is no civic infrastructure among the Weald at that point in human civilization?
MAY: …Come again?
GARBAGE MAN: Your bin has to be sitting on the street next to the curb, not up on the small lawn patch here next to the curb! And your paper recyclables must be tied up with city-approved twine, not just placed into paper bags! And stop putting your cardboard boxes into larger cardboard boxes and just leaving them out like 3rd grade art class rendition of a hypercube. Just how dense do you have to be to keep making these mistakes? What is wrong with you people!?!
MAY: Step a little closer and say that.
[End dramatic re-enactment.]
May told me about the “confrontation” later on, and it actually really upset me. Mainly, because poor May was getting lectured on something that she was not responsible for; the trash and recyclables are all my job. And it also really bothered me that I might have been messing up such a simple task for close to ten years–that’s how long we have lived here and I have always brought out my stuff in the same manner. The idea that I was wrong this whole time really was a discomforting thought; sure, you think I would be used to the feeling after believing that the Browns would be good this year, but it still hurts.
Another thing that irritated me, though, was when I started taking a closer look at what the rest of the street was doing with their trash. To be fair, I did start to spot houses where the trash bins were left on the street, by the curb. However, I also spotted plenty of houses where they had the bins by the curb but up in their driveway, or even on a small concrete slab right next to the street. Were they flouting the rules, as well, or was it different because it wasn’t on the lawn itself? I was tempted to call the city and demand an investigation,
Likewise, when people put the recyclables out on my street it was pretty much a free-for-all, where people usually just dumped their papers into cardboard boxes and left them on the street, or worse yet, on the lawn by the street, which, from what the Reigning Kings of the Recyclables said, was a big no-no.
I even went as far as going online to check the town guidelines about leaving out trash and recyclables, probably becoming maybe the fourth person in the history of the town to actually read that section of the website. It just led to more confusion as some of the things the garbage men claimed weren’t listed on the page, like leaving the bins on the street; was this because the page was not updated or incorrect? Even more importantly, their claim of not using paper bags was completely at odds with the page details – there, it was expressly stated that you can put your paper recycling in paper bags and leave them out as-is for pick up.
Ha! I won that silent argument that nobody else was directly involved with!
I briefly thought about just ignoring some of their comments, but here’s the thing; in the end, they are the ones who are in charge of actually picking up the trash. And do you really want to tick off the people who are taking away your rotting vegetables or poorly-aged shellfish? Like, could they just suddenly decide that unless you are following the rules to the letter, that they are just going to skip your house, and let that trash pile up like a live-action remake of “Sarah Cynthia Stout Would Not Take The Garbage Out?”
This is when I realized that they had all the leverage in this situation. I was better off shutting up and getting in line, lest my family suffer for my own hubris by having to stack up trash bags in the driveway or try and sneak around town to illegally drop them in dumpsters during the dead of night.
But to be honest, the more I thought about it, the more I empathized with the garbage men. Imagine being in their shoes, and half (if not more) of all of the houses you go to are not following even the basic rules for pick-up. Oh sure, they still pick-up the trash and recyclables, because they are, in fact, professionals, but it would probably grind your gears that nobody seems to be making an effort. If I was working there and spotted someone who lived in the house that kept making the same mistakes, I have to admit I could see myself wanting to at least let them know what the rules are supposed to be.
So, since then, I have been following the things they mentioned, like leaving the bins on the street, and even tying up the cardboard instead of just dumping it all into boxes. I don’t know if they have noticed, but hopefully they have, and know at least one person is trying to do right by them.
But I still put my papers into paper bags, damn it. That’s a hill I am willing to die on.
[Fun fact! I celebrated National Punctuation Day by writing this and making sure to include at least one of the following: periods, commas, colons, semicolons, quotation marks, exclamation points, question marks, dashes, parenthesis, apostrophes, brackets, and ellipsis. Never let it be said that I don’t know how to cut loose!]