At Your Service

My family and I were out to celebrate our big tax refund by splurging on a big, luxurious breakfast and one of the premier dining outlets in the whole tri-state area, namely IHOP.

We had dropped our car off early with the service department, and I had been mentally prepping myself for the actual final estimated cost of repairs and maintenance. Now to be clear, I do not think that, in general, the people in the service department are moustache-twirling villains cackling over the phone as they “recommend” work for the car just to fatten their bottom line. That stereotype is harmful, unfair, and clearly more deserving to the car sales managers.

Also, when I worked for Reynolds and Reynolds, we did a lot of work with people in the service department, and they were all just regular folk: friendly, kind, and just doing their job so they could afford to go home, feed their family, relax in front of the computer, and, like all regular folk, say totally unconscionable things to total strangers on social media.

So, I was ready when I got the call from the service consultant as I was halfway through my chocolate chip pancakes (the breakfast of champions!).

“Hi, am I speaking with Matt?”

“Yes,” I replied.

“Hello, this is Alex from the dealership calling about the car that you brought in for service.”

“Why don’t you ever call me just to say hello?”

There was a slight pause. “I’m sorry?”

“Nevermind. Sure, what’s up?” I knew, of course, what was up, but it’s a little game I like to play called Abject Denial.

“Okay so we went through the maintenance checklist and in addition to the services you requested, we found additional items you might want to have addressed.”

Oh boy, here it comes.

“First of all, your rear brake pads need to be replaced, which entails installing new brake rotors, cleaning and lubing calipers and brake hardware.”

“You lost me after ‘entails’ but sure, why not. Makes sense.” And honestly I knew this was coming; they had mentioned it last time we went in but we wisely decided to put that off until later because, really, how important are brakes, anyway?

“Okay,” Alex continued, “We also found that your rear passenger wheel bearing needs replacement. It’s making some grinding sounds when being turned.”

“Uh…” I stalled, hoping that maybe this was just a quirk and no big deal, “is that a bad thing?”

“Wheels falling off cars usually is.”

Nuts. “Okay, fair enough.”

“Next, we see that your car is at 119,000 miles, so you might want to just do the 120,000 mile tune-up now.”

Double nuts with sea salt. That was honestly a good point; best to just have it done now rather than come back in a few weeks to take care of it. “Okay, fine, yeah, let’s do that.”

“We also found that your passenger side outer marker bulb needs to be replaced.”

I chuckled. After the intensity of the other things, this almost seemed cute. “Yeah, replace it.”

“Okay, and finally, your wife was complaining about the AC not working, correct?”

“Yes,” I confirmed. “I told her to try the 460 version but she wasn’t excited about that.”

“460?”

“4 windows down at 60 mph.” I chortled at my masterful display of wit.

“...Erm, sure. Yeah. Anyway, we went ahead and looked into that and there were some cracks in the fluid pumps; you’ll need a refresh on the H block O rings along with the compressor O rings and condenser O rings with the 18 oz freon.”

“Are you just making up words at this point?”

“Scouts honor I am not.”

“All right, whatever. Sure. What’s the total?”

“5500.”

Argh.

But honestly? I wasn’t surprised. Like I said, I knew the brake pads were due, plus the 120,000 mile maintenance is usually close to a grand, plus the AC and wheel bearing, I was guessing it would be at least 4500. Not exactly my best Price is Right guess, but I still was on stage. It would be a big hit to our budget, but nothing we can’t handle by having peanut-butter and jelly sandwiches for the next 37 meals.

“But I have some good news!” Alex continued. “I was able to find a limited-time discount that we can apply!”

“Great! What is it?”

“It’s called the Customer Loyalty Cast-Iron Pan to the Face Program, or CLCIPFP for short. All you have to do is let us smash a cast-iron frying pan into your face, and we will give you a discount.”

“…how much of a discount?”

“575 dollars.”

“...Deal.”

We finished our breakfast and went back to the dealership to pick up the car. Alex greeted us warmly and walked us through the services, and handed me the final forms to sign.

“Okay,” he said, pointing out spots on the paperwork, “just sign here… and here… and initial here… and now just lean over so we can get a clean swing at your face with this cast iron skillet. Pro tip: you might want to remove your glasses first.”

“Ah, thanks,” I said, pulling them off and leaning over. “How’s this?”

“Perfect!” he said with a cheerful smile and swung.

...I do not remember anything else that happened that day.