The Ninja That Wore A Coat

Nothing says Halloween like some strong, gusting winds!

Well, sure, except for maybe jack-o-lanterns, kids donning inexpensive plastic costumes, metric tons of candy, haunted houses run by overly-enthusiastic college kids, the awesome theme music for the “Murdoc Mysteries” Halloween episode, “The Legend of Sleepy Hallow” playing on whatever channels/streams Disney owns these days–okay, fine, so there are a lot of things that say “Halloween” more than strong, gusting winds, but that’s not important.

What is important is that these were some serious winds on All Hallows Eve. Not gale-force, at least, but still fierce and strong, enough to swipe hats from heads and steal heat from bodies. (Not to be confused with the Headless Horseman, who just took heads from bodies; also very Halloween-y). Like, I think the temperature outside was technically the upper 50s, but with the wind chill it dropped to the low 40s. So, a cold night to be out.

BUT! Such weather was not going to stop my family’s Halloween plans, especially because this year Gracie was getting her first chance to go trick-or-treating with one of her friends. Yes, she finally decided that, as incredibly cool as it was to be going with her slow-walking and non-costumed parents, it would be even more fun to be with one of her friends. I was not ostracized completely, mind you, so I would be joining the other parents tagging along. Still non-costumed, mind you, although I could probably just tell people otherwise.

“Oh, are you Grace’s dad?”

“Yep!”

“Where’s your costume?”

“What do you mean? I’m wearing it.”

“But you are just wearing an old pair of jeans with holes in the pockets, the cheapest pair of size 14 shoes you can buy online, and a black hoodie that hasn’t been washed since the spring of ‘92.”

“Exactly. I am dressed as a jobless bum!”

“...Brilliant!”

Gracie and I would be joining her friend and her family on their own usual route, which was interesting: they would hit a few houses next to them, but then drive five minutes over to the main area for their trick-or-treating: Burlington.

Not the famed coat factory. Rather, Burlington Avenue. I was told it had something of a “street party” vibe to it, so I was quite intrigued.

We were to meet them at 3:45 PM, which basically meant as soon as Gracie got home from school. Now, the good news is that the school had all of the kids wearing their costumes since it was Halloween, so Gracie was already in her ninja costume. All she had to do was put on her toy weapon accessories that were not allowed in school (the plastic katanas, the toy nunchucks, and even the cloth shiuriken). The bad news is that we had some wardrobe malfunctions.

First, Grace’s school didn’t allow any face coverings, helmets, or masks, mainly so the kids could see the board and be heard clearly. Personally, I like to think that the school was also hoping to finally unmask who Zorro really was; no more will the scoundrel get away with leaving a “Z” typed on the smartboard! …ahem. So, I had to tie on Grace’s mask and it was a bit more tricky than I assumed, requiring a few tries before it was comfortable for my daughter.

Second, I needed to prep the candy for the trick-or-treaters that would be coming around our neighborhood. However, because I had sampled a bit from the Halloween candy bags we got from BJ’s – strictly for quality assurance purposes! – May and Gracie hid the candy from me, so I had no idea where the candy was. Gracie had to pull them out so I could fill the little plastic cauldron and leave it out on the front porch for the trick-or-treaters, along with our little chalkboard sign encouraging the kids to “Please Take Three.” We believe in multiple candy handouts at this house, by golly.

Finally, the big issue was with Gracie’s twin plastic swords. I strapped them onto her back tightly so they wouldn’t move around, but when she bent forward to tie her shoes: CRACK! The joint holding the two sword sheaths together broke under the strain. The swords and the sheaths themselves were not broken, they were just swinging around loosely on her back and could fall off, and clearly was “not right.” Gracie was crestfallen, as she was so looking forward to wearing these swords.

“Can’t we glue them maybe?” she asked hopefully.

“Not unless you want to hold still for a couple of hours for the bond to hold,” I replied.

Gracie was not thrilled.

But, thanks to some quick Plotecher ingenuity, I figured out that I could remove one of the swords, and then be able to securely strap the other one to her back so she could still ninja around properly. And, even better, I pointed out that now her costume was more historically accurate as ninjas normally only used a single katana. At least, that’s what I recall from the AD&D supplemental rulebook (unfortunately) titled “Oriental Adventures.”

We arrived at Gracie’s friend’s house, and started with the neighboring houses. At first I was confused why they wouldn’t just go right to Burlington (the street, again, not the coat factory), but the family explained that the neighbors were always so nice to the kids they wanted the neighbors to see the kids in their costumes. And besides, I also realized that this was a great idea to warm-up; you know, get your trick-or-treating form down before going to the main event.

To prove my point, as Gracie was excitingly running from house to house, spinning her plastic and foam nunchucks as fast as she could, one of the handles flew off. I was able to reattach it, but then the other handle flew off when she spun them again.

I was shocked–Shocked!--that the craftsmanship of the goods from Spirit Halloween were so flimsy!

I made the executive decision that the nunchucks were going to be retired; last thing I wanted was for Gracie to accidentally bean some poor kid in the face across the street with a potential accidental polyurethane projectile.

Finally, we were off to Burlington Ave!

Sure enough, it was a full-blown event. While some people passed out candy from their doorways, most folks were out in their driveways, in costume, themselves, handing out treats to the kids. Some were grilling food. Others had Halloween music playing. Someone had brought out a hot dog stand. Not to be outdone, down the street there was a food truck, and even some rented event lighting for the middle of the street.

We were there “early,” but as time went on I saw more and more people. From what I heard, the street has their own Facebook group exclusively for this event, where they coordinate, chip in for the rentals, and (I assume) by bulk bags of candy at discounted prices, because, cripes, there had to be at least a couple of hundred people along that street, and that was just for the first hour that we were there. I fully suspect the place is packed by 8-9 o’clock.

I was reminded of both trick-or-treating back in North Olmsted and of going to the Ohio University Halloween street party. Very different age groups and costumes, mind you, but still that same sort of energy.

The only downside was that those cold winds kept blasting in, and Gracie finally asked for her coat. Not just putting it on, but fully zipping it up to her neck. Her friend also got decked out in a coat, and I noticed that as the sun was going down, a lot more coats were appearing.

I guess maybe this really was the Burlington coat factory, after all.

I had to chuckle, as well, because with her coat on, Gracie reminded me of a line from the Heywood Banks song “Halloween:”

It’s hard to spook the neighbors into givin’ up some loot

When you’re a ninja in a down coat at 4 in the afternoon

Gracie also decided to take off the plastic sword sheath and just hold on the toy katana. I had to remind her repeatedly not to swing it around as there were a lot of people passing by. Fortunately, the only person she hit was me. Twice.

Again, to quote the song “Tell Me Ernest,” from the stage musical version of Death Becomes Her where a character is talking about fighting with a sword in a movie scene:

You know I did my own stunts?

I only injured all of my costars once!

We went down about only ⅔ of the way before turning around and coming back, but still, all told it was over a mile walk.

This might become a regular thing for Gracie, as she really had a lot of fun, both going with her friend and from just the vibe of the place. But if we are going to be coming back, I need to up my game with a proper Halloween costume.

I would want it to be something eye-catching, daring, and powerful. Something that reflects the inner fearlessness I have, displays my bold risk-taking attitude towards life, and hints at the playboy lifestyle that I am desired to lead. Something culturally poignant. Something representative of big ideas. Something even, dare I say, roguishly alluring?

Obviously, this would be Father Brown, from the acclaimed series of the same name. All I need is the coat and the hat, and I’m ready to rock the world with wholesome righteousness.