What Is One Person’s Gift Is Another Person’s Returnable Item
I think Stephan Wright was the one who told this joke: “What is a free gift? …Aren’t all gifts free?”
Back in the mid 80s when I was still in single digits in terms of age, my family and I were at my Grandparents Plo’s house for Christmas. These were always big affairs, with all my aunts and uncles and cousins. Now, at this point, I “only” had maybe 8-9 cousins (it would hit 17 eventually, to stick that in your vape and smoke it), but that was still a lot of grandchildren to get presents for; hence, normally I would only get one gift.
On this one occasion, I waddled my little kid self over to my Grandmother.
“Hey Grandma?”
“Yes honey?” Grandma Plo asked, her voice full of warmth and brightness.
“How come I get so many more presents from my other Grandma than you?”
Yes, even at age 8, I was speaking truth to power.
But Grandma Plo was no slouch – she had raised 6 kids with Grandpa, and, as she always liked to point out, “Before there were any disposable diapers!”
Without skipping a beat, Grandma Plo offered this rejoinder: “Oh sweetie, it’s because I have so many grandchildren to get gifts for.”
Boom! Not only did she answer it with grace and decorum, but also, let’s be honest, dunked a bit on my other Grandma to balance the scales.
Now, with my own birthday just days away, I am again thinking about the nature of gifts, and the art of giving and receiving them. My wife and I have talked about this in the past, as in the early years of our marriage, she actually seemed to keep track of whether or not people used the gifts that we got them.
“Well,” she would tell me, “we gave [name retracted for security reasons] that [object redacted for security reasons] and I don’t think that they ever used it. Hrumph!”
“Uh, okay?” I would respond. So?”
“So? We gave them something; shouldn’t they be using it?”
“Well, I don’t think so, necessarily. I mean, the whole point of giving someone something is that there shouldn't be strings attached. Like, I don’t think we are requiring any signatures on any contracts or statements of purpose before we give out presents.”
For me, anyway, once I give someone something, sure, I hope that they use and enjoy it, but if it gets left in the box, or tucked into the storeroom, or heck, even goes right into the dumpster, I am not really going to be that upset. Why? Because I gave it to them, meaning they can do whatever they want with it. It is a gift, after all, and last I checked, actual gifts do not come with terms and conditions.
If anything, I put it on me, in that I misjudged what it was that they wanted; it’s my fault, not the recipient:
“Oh, nuts, I actually got the same book for dad last year. Cripes.”
Or:
“Drat. The clothes we got the kids are too small. Well, we have the receipts so they can trade them back in, at least.”
Or:
“Huh. I guess Olivia and Joe didn’t think that the rabid wolverine we gave their baby was appropriate because I haven’t seen anything on their Instagram feed with them using it. Maybe I misread what they wanted?”
The flip side of this is that I feel no pressure upon receiving a gift. I will definitely appreciate the gesture, regardless, but once that gift is in my possession, I AM THE GOD-KING AND NONE SHALL QUESTION MY DECREES CONCERNING ITS USAGE!!!
Ahem.
Part of this might go back to something given to me in the late 90s. I was meeting up with some online friends, and one of them was kind enough to bring along a series of small gifts for everyone there. For me, knowing that I was a lifelong Browns fan, he handed over a… Baltimore Ravens pennant. He told me, “Well, it’s a bit of a joke, but if it makes you feel better, they will win a Superbowl nevermore.”
(Side note: they won the first of many Superbowls just the next year. So, great job on that guarantee, buddy. With sharp, analytical skills like that you’re a natural to join ESPN.)
Anyway, I really didn’t like the gift, not just because of the team it was for, but also because I was not the person to hang up a pennant anyway. Still, because it was a gift, I felt obliged to haul that thing around when I was moving for years, until I finally realized that not only was it not bringing me any joy, it was in fact actively draining any joy from the air whenever I caught sight of it. In fact, the only joy I got from it was when I finally chucked it in the trash.
To be clear, there are exceptions. The little stickers and things that Gracie buys me for gifts will always be kept. Heck, used even. Case in point, I still have the 3D coaster on my desk she got from the last school fundraiser.
In any case, my point is that I think when you give a gift, it is really about giving something without any expectations in return. Okay, maybe a thank you or similar acknowledgement would be good, but I mean like if the person doesn’t use it, or doesn’t like it, that’s not on them, really.
And to be clear, I am not saying either that if they don’t like the gift they should demonstrate it by throwing it on the ground and stomping on it. Or by slapping you. Or throwing their drink in your face.
Ahem. That’s not what I am suggesting.