You Never Forget Your First One …Hundred

Well, this week I hit the dubious milestone of sending out my first 100 resumes as I continue to look for a job. Not just that, but also 100 resumes in a row without getting any kind of response aside from a form rejection notice. So… yay me? I’m honestly thinking I should go buy a cake to celebrate the moment. At least the sugar high will raise my spirits for a little while. Well, before I come crashing back into the realm of the unwashed, unemployed serfs.

In the tech / gaming / video production sector, the past few months have been akin to a drive along Alaska’s old logging trails: pretty rough. Lots o’ layoffs have flooded the market with people who are highly-qualified, have deep and wide portfolios, are younger, and are no doubt in better physical shape than I. Now, I have a lot of skills and talent to offer, but I have also been through this enough times to know that, at the moment, my area of the job market is more crowded than the 4 train during the Monday morning rush hour. So, a slow start is, if unpleasant, at least not surprising.

Upon learning of my recent achievement, various friends and family members have suggested possible ways to increase the odds of getting call-backs, such as looking at different positions, focusing more on local on-site postings, sacrificing a black sheep at the altar of Ba’al, etc. All perfectly normal suggestions, of course, but one did stick out as a definite must-do: reassess the resume and update it with current projects.

After all, the resume should be an ever-evolving beast of burden, constantly adding new items of interest and shedding bric-a-brac that winds up just weighing down everything for no advantage. And what better way to show off my problem-solving skills and remarkable creatively than adding in some successful (if somewhat unconventional) tasks?

Hence, I have been “workshopping” some new entries to better exemplify my skill set:

Piano Practice Supervisor

• Demonstrate patience, empathy, and effective communication skills to address challenges (such as lost music sheets) and overcome obstacles (such as temper tantrums) in getting my daughter to actually practice. Achieved a 30% increase in drama-free piano practice.

Overwatch 2 Gameplay Coordinator

• Collaborate with gaming community resources and online forums to stay informed about updates, strategies, and best practices in Overwatch 2. Show leadership in matches with friends by calling out low-health enemies and pinging flankers, even though Todd constantly ignores them and lets the Reaper rip the backline to shreds so we constantly lose the point. Damn it Todd! I pinged the guy like 12 times!

Helldivers 2 Backline Grunt 

• Play a pivotal role in boosting squad morale and cohesion during challenging missions by playing so badly that everyone else all looks like FPS gods compared to me. Provide training in enhanced resilience and perseverance among team members by accidentally killing them with ill-timed orbital bombardments. But hey, I told them to run away!

Budget-Conscious Food Shopper

• Utilize price comparison tools, coupons, and promotional offers to identify the most economical purchasing options; Pro Tip: it is always the store brand. Demonstrate commitment to purpose by refusing the urge to splurge on the freshly-baked cookies even though my soul howls in anguish as I pass them by with nary a second look. 

Pseudo-Regular Blogger

• Produce compelling and original blog content on a wide range of topics, including my Christmas break, my colonoscopy, and my getting laid off, all of which captivates readers and deludes myself into feeling like I am actually being productive.

I think the last one, particular, is really where I shine.